Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
