I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Randomize
