See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
