you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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