I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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