I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
