I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
