R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Randomize
