Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
