i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize