so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
