My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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