I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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