and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
