I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
