my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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