I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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