Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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