I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
