Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
