i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Randomize
