I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
