Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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