New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
