Why does Corona taste like a burp?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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