he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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