Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
