Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize