I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
