I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
