When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
