I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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