Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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