so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
