i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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