vagina is talking i cant
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
