I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
