So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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