Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
