Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
