My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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