He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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