Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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