Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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