i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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