I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize