I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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