There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
