Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
