shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
