At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She needs sedatives and a leash
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
