y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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