This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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