The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
