i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
