The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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