I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
