if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
