is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
