chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
