I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
